Suicide is scary enough to think about, but actually attempting it is even scarier. On July 1 2023 ( well ok it was July 2, because it was at midnight) I sat in my desk chair in pitch black darkness ( then only light coming from the street outside), gag in my mouth, knife at my throught, and attempted that great plunge. I also tried to slit my wrist on my left hand as well. Thank God for dull knives.
why did I do it? I felt completely empty and lost. What led up to it? That is a little more complicated to answer.
I had been bullied constantly in school because of my medical problems. Besides the name calling and other minor shit like that. I also got my locker door slamed on me while I tried to get books from the bottom of my locker. I had bullies look over the wall of the stall while I sat there to take a crap. I even had one who tripped me, and I almost went falling down the stairs ( I grabbed the hand rail before that happened) when I graduated, I was happy to be rid if these people
However I learned adult life to also be a pain. Because of my medical problems, I am unable to drive and thus took public transportation while living in Springfield. My bosses said they were alright with this, however they kept scheduling me to either start work or end work when I couldn't catch a bus, forcing me to either find a ride or walk to or from work, also because of my medical problems I took alot of gruff from my co-workers ( not quite as bad as in school, but they got their jabs in.
Somewhere along the way I noticed my ears started ringing. At first it didn't bother me to much, but as the years have passed the ringing has grown. And where I good shrug off any of the "voices" from the bullies of my past as just being the chirps, bells, and Whistles from my ears, the more intense the ringing, the more intense those "voices"
Also I have never had great self-esteem. Yes, I always tried to look on the bright side, and hold myself up. However There was always a cloud of darkness, a shadow of doubt. I never could hold a relationship for very long. Many women, or men wanted to date this "freak" (See medical problems, also their wording not mine). Also not being able to drive never really helped my cause.
Well that is a list of what was going through my mind Not just that night, but so many times before.
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I have that low pit in my lifemany times over the years, but have never tried or even dared to go over that edge until that night. When these other times had hit. I could read a book, listen to music, write a poem, or watch a movie, and be fine.
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